The H1N1 Vaccine October 31, 2009

Is it even a choice? There is so much hype, info..whatever about the H1N1 vaccine. It’s overwhelming. How do I know if I should get it? How do I know what the long term effects are? I have decided to put blinders on and limit the information I take in. Sometimes I feel that is just too much and you can become immobilized. What I do know is that H1N1 can kill and that my Boy is in the high-risk category. This is all I really need to know. That makes my choice. I am his mom and I will do what I can to protect him.

But other than getting the shot what can I do? I wonder how far I should go to cocoon him from this disease. Do I become a recluse? Do I just avoid crowded places? Do I not see friends, family? I don’t have the answers for these questions. I will just do what feels right at the time and make my decisions daily.

This disease is just another fear to add to my new mom’s worries. I have quickly learned that being a mom means being on a rollercoaster that you can’t get off. Sometimes there are wonderful highs and sometimes you are just freaking scared.

Night sorrows October 25, 2009

I’m sitting here crying. It has been happening to me lately when I take the time to stop-usually late at night when the Husband and Boy are in bed.

I find myself overwhelmed by the force of the love I feel for the little Boy asleep upstairs. It is actually painful. I never knew that good love could hurt. He is a piece of me that is forever outside of my body and as each day passes he gets further away from the closeness we shared when he was inside.

He is only 11 weeks now but already he can amuse himself for awhile, he can sometimes fall asleep without me rocking him, and he sleeps through the night-no longer needing me to feed him.

The problem is, I still need him at night. I wake up and miss him!I often want to go and wake him but I must remind myself that his sleep is a good thing for both of us.

So instead, I am sitting here teary, looking forward to the morning. When I can go into his room and get the gift of the giant smile and giggle I always receive when he sees me after a night apart. His face is like looking into a mirror of my own. It feels good to know he misses me too!

Dishing the good stuff October 23, 2009

Something is happening to me. Every month I get together with a group of wonderful ladies from work for our book club. I always looked forward to this outing. Although reading is a passion of mine, I just couldn’t wait to dish about what was happening at work. Our evening was a time to dump all the crap we had been carrying around for a month. Of course, I could tell my husband but it’s not the same as chatting with people who live the soap opera every day.

Tonight was different. I had to pretend to care about the dirt. I nodded, I think I laughed at all the right places, but I didn’t actually care. Instead, I watched as my Boy was passed around the room and I followed him with my eyes. He was the one I was interested in. He watched me too. I think he knew that I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me. We were both tolerating the situation-that is waiting until we were together again.

I know it sounds like I don’t want to be there anymore but that’s not quite right either. I realize that I now actually want to talk more about the book but more importantly I want to talk about each other. I want our group of dynamic, amazing women to share our lives and our dirt with each other. What I need now has changed. I don’t want to spend the precious time with my friends on the gossip (of course, I want to hear some!) -but mostly I want to hear about my friends. I want to share what’s happening to me.

What I am October 23, 2009

As a new mom I have come to the realization that you are now always something to someone.

I am his mom-I feed him, I cuddle him, I play with him. I love him. I love him. I love him.

I am his wife-I kiss him. I listen to him. I laugh with him. I snuggle him at night. I love him. I love him. I love him.

I am a big sister of a 19 year old-I take late night drunken phone calls. I have inside jokes. I lurk ex boyfriends just cause it is fun. I love her. I love her. I love her.

I am their oldest daughter-I am a friend to my parents. I spend evenings with them. I vacation with them. I love them. I love them. I love them.

I am a friend-I listen to their problems. I laugh with them. I try to be there for them through heartbreak, boyfriends and cancer. I love them. I love them. I love them.

But I am also me. And I need time to remember this. So late at night I stay up when I should be sleeping so that tomorrow I can be all that I am. This is the time that keeps me in check. I read, I write, I sip a hot drink and I daydream. In this time I am not anything for anyone else. I remember that I love me. I love me. I love me. So that I can love them.

Holy shit! Breastfeeding. October 7, 2009

So, when I was pregnant and reading all the books and going to my childbirth preparation classes there was lots of discussion on whether or not you would want to breastfeed. I found that an awful lot of time was dedicated to this topic and honestly couldn’t see the big deal. Yeah, I would breastfeed. Of course, it’s the best right?! After my last breastfeeding class two weeks before my son was born, the educator did say one thing to give me pause. “ You will find that you will be breastfeeding anywhere form 8-12 times a day” Hmmm, this caused me some concern but not really.

Okay, now…smack dab in the middle of what 8-12 times a day really means. First, my son is 12 times a day easy. This means every 2 ½ hours or less I am feeding him, changing him. I didn’t realize the commitment breastfeeding took or that I would begin to feel like a cow.

Cause let’s face it, this is humans at our most animal.

At my moms’ group, I am the only one who is not supplementing with formula or pumping so my husband can do the night feedings. Huh? I didn’t even think of that.

But truthfully, now I am committed to seeing this thing through. I can and will breastfeed my little boy. It’s our time together. I would miss the quiet noises of contentment, the hand creeping up my breast, the little warm body against my chest, and the smile that sometimes appears while he’s sucking.

So what, if sometimes my nipple hurts because in the middle of the night I couldn’t care less about proper latching. That I am constantly leaking through my breastpads or that because my letdown is overactive I regularly spray my boy in the face. He doesn’t care cause he needs me and I can give him what he wants.

Hey World..back the ****off! October 7, 2009

Do you know a new mommy? Do you listen to them talk about their baby. Do you give them advice?

Well, don’t. Back the *@$% off.

If there is one thing I learned is that mommies are good at kicking their own asses. We’re our own worst enemies and no one can feel guilt like a brand new mommy- everything you do is to a helpless creature who adores you and can’t defend themselves. You try living with that!

Besides there are plenty of strangers out there who have tons of advice to share. My very first week with The Boy I was at Ikea. Do you know that I found out that my ladyparts were going to get loose? Seriously, from walking around. An older woman pointed her bony little finger at me and told me that my stuff will get loose! What the @#$%!!

Not to mention the numerous people who tsked at me because I didn’t stay home for the required 4-6 weeks after birth. Ladies, isn’t that where postpartum comes from?

How about being yelled at because I was holding my baby outside in only a onesie on a day with a bit of wind? No matter, that he had been screaming like a terrorist for 30 minutes in the car while I waited to pick up daddy. Better to have driven in to a wall, I guess??

Point is this. Tell any new mommies that you see the following:

1) Your baby is cute. We have heard it a million times. We want to hear it more.

2)You look like a natural.

3)You and your baby look so happy together.

4) You are amazing.

5) See #1.

Dear Baby October 6, 2009

To my little boy,

I am sorry I spray you in the face when I try to lovingly feed you.

I am sorry I expose you to crime shows in the middle of the night. Mommy can hardly sit up and she needs help to stay awake since Daddy seems to be able to sleep through most feedings.

I am sorry that later in life, when your friends or girlfriends discover your baby album, you will see that I dressed you as a dinosaur, a frog, Tigger, and a duck. I especially enjoy dressing you in your bear suit to go out for walks or in the car. There is a short time in life when I will have complete control of what you wear so I am going to enjoy it. If it makes you feel better, we constantly hear how cute you look.

I’m sorry that sometimes at night I have a latte. There is not much in life that Mommy does anymore. No clubs, no drinking, no smoking, no late nights unless they are with you. I’m addicted. I’m not giving it up-it’s my one vice and I’m keeping it. I sincerely hope it doesn’t bug you too much.

I’m sorry if we don’t do tummy time enough. If your head turns out a bit flat you can blame me. It’s hard to watch you struggle to lift yourself up and cry. I will keep trying.

I’m sorry that your very first scar comes from the day you were circumcised. You scratched yourself in pain. If it’s any consolation to you, it might make a really funny story one day at a bar.

Love,

Mommy